How to Talk to a Loved One About Memory Care: A Guide for Caregivers

When a loved one begins showing signs of memory decline, it’s important to help them get the care they need to keep them safe and help them enjoy life as much as possible. The challenge for many caregivers isn’t the desire to support their loved ones – it’s broaching this topic with them.

Navigating the realities of memory decline is a scary experience, and discussing the need for memory care can be an emotional experience. Fortunately, there are steps that you can take to avoid conflict and have a constructive conversation that prioritizes your loved one’s well-being.

Look for Signs of Cognitive Decline

Before you have a conversation about memory care, it’s important to assess whether your loved one’s memory loss is just a natural part of aging or signs of something more serious. There are a few different signs of cognitive decline:

• Changes in behavior: Memory loss can cause people to become confused or unable to express themselves properly. These feelings can lead to sudden agitation, aggression, and other negative behavior.
• An inability to care for themselves: Memory decline can make it more difficult for individuals to provide hygiene needs, get dressed, and perform other activities of daily living (ADLs). 
• Unsafe living conditions: Seniors with dementia may be unable to take care of their home, leading to an environment where they may accidentally hurt themselves.
• Withdrawn and confused behavior: The confusion associated with memory loss can cause seniors to repeat themselves or make simple mistakes, potentially leading to them being less social than in the past.
• Frequent accidents and falls: Seniors with memory loss are more likely to forget about trip hazards or have accidents with chemicals, kitchen appliances, and other items around the house.

Assess if Your Loved One Needs Memory Care

If your loved one is indeed displaying signs of memory loss, it’s time to determine whether they can receive the support they need at home, or if memory care is the best situation for them. Memory care is needed when someone won’t be able to have the appropriate care, supervision, and stimulation at home. For example:

• Will there be someone available to care for your loved one? Memory care may be needed if there isn’t a spouse or another primary caregiver readily available to provide support every day. 
• Can your loved one safely live at home? Memory care placement may be the best option for loved ones who live alone or need a safer setting even with regular supervision.

• Will your loved one be adequately stimulated in their current setting? Memory care may offer your loved one added benefits that they wouldn’t receive at home, such as community living, social engagement, and a more fulfilling structure and routine.

Prepare for the Conversation

Discussing the need for memory care is a major decision, and you’ll need to take time to prepare for that conversation. It’s important to gather information so that you have enough information about how you can support your loved one and feel more confident and informed going into your conversation.

Here are some key steps to take before starting a conversation with your loved one about memory care:

• Name specific concerns: Make a list of behavioral changes, safety issues, or health concerns that highlight why you feel they need more care.
• Talk to a medical professional: Consult with their doctor or specialists about their condition and if they have any recommendations on how you can support your loved one.
• Involve other loved ones: You don’t need to go through this process alone. If appropriate, include other family members or close friends to provide added support and reassurance. 
• Establish consistent messaging: Whether you talk to them alone or with others, plan ahead on what you’ll say to keep your tone consistent. Frame your talking points around their needs and make sure everyone involved is on the same page going into the conversation
• Choose the right time and place: Don’t rush the conversation. Find a quiet, comfortable place to talk where they will feel secure. You should also try and wait until they are well-rested and calm before bringing up memory care.

Start the Conversation

Once you’ve done some preparation, it’s time to talk with your loved one. It’s important to remember that you and your loved one are a team, and you’ll want to do what you can to reassure them so that you’re both on the same page. This conversation may not be an easy one, but it’s a vital one for everyone involved.

Despite your good intentions, it’s common for individuals to become defensive when approached about memory care. Here are a few ways that you can foster a healthy dialogue between you and your loved one.

Be patient and empathetic

Memory issues can be frightening and confusing for your loved one. When discussing memory care, approach the conversation with patience and empathy. Use gentle, non-confrontational language and acknowledge their feelings.

Being empathetic also means active listening to what your loved one has to say. Ask them questions and pay attention to what they have to say. The conversation may be difficult for them to express how they feel, so don’t be afraid to ask for clarification to give them an opportunity to fully explain themselves. 

Use “I” statements and share your feelings

It’s important to show that your desire to discuss memory care comes from a desire to help, and not because you’re angry or upset with your loved one. Focusing on your feelings can allow you to shift the conversation away from making someone feel guilty about their memory loss or that they’re being judged.

An excellent way to do this is to use statements that put your thoughts and feelings front and center. Statements like, “I know this must be difficult to talk about, but I want to make sure you have the best care and support possible,” can help reassure them that your intentions come from a place of love and concern.

Focus on the benefits of memory care

The power of positivity can make a meaningful difference during your conversation. Research shows that focusing on negative messages during a discussion about health can make people more anxious. Rather than emphasizing the challenges or risks associated with memory decline, frame the conversation around how memory care can enhance your loved one’s quality of life. Highlight benefits such as:

• Stimulation and structure: Memory care can provide a structured daily routine with engaging activities tailored to cognitive abilities.
• Safe and organized environment: Secure settings designed to minimize confusion and prevent wandering can lead to fewer accidents and less stress.
• Special programming: Stimulating activities to help seniors maintain cognitive and physical wellbeing, while helping them develop new interests.
• Case management and clinical oversight: On-site professionals monitor and manage medical needs, medication schedules, and offer ongoing education for everyone involved.
• Social engagement: Opportunities to interact with peers, reducing feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Be prepared for an emotional response

Your loved one may react with fear, denial, or frustration – and that’s okay. It’s important to respect their emotions and avoid pushing them into a decision before they are ready. Offering reassurance and validating their feelings will help build trust and make future discussions more productive.

Here are some ways to handle emotional reactions:

• Acknowledge their feelings: People don’t want to feel like they’re being ignored. Let your loved one know you understand their concerns and fears.
• Give them time: Allow them to process the information rather than demanding an immediate decision.
• Use personal stories or examples: If possible, share positive experiences of others who have benefited from memory care. You can also share what their doctor recommended if you talked to them first.
• Avoid arguing: A fight will put a quick end to everything. If the conversation becomes too overwhelming or emotional, consider pausing and revisiting the topic at another time.
• Be ready for more than one conversation: Even if you do everything you can to prepare, there’s always a chance that your loved one will say no to the idea of memory care. Keep track of what went well and what didn’t, and try again when you and your loved one are ready. 

Take Next Steps After the Conversation

If your loved one is amenable to the idea of memory care, it’s time to start your search for the right community for their needs. Consider the following steps to start your search: 

• Research memory care options: Look into communities that specialize in memory care and understand their services, amenities, and costs.
• Schedule tours of memory care communities: See potential places for yourself to help ease concerns and allow your loved one to see the environment firsthand.
• Involve your loved one in decisions: It’s important for your loved ones to maintain some control over the golden years. Let them have a say in choosing a memory care community or deciding when to transition.
• Continue open communication: Even with a tentative yes, your loved one can still feel uneasy about the idea of memory care. Reassure them that their preferences and needs will be respected throughout the process.

Trying to find a community where your loved one can stay safe and have a higher quality of life? National Church Residences’ memory care services take an individual approach to help residents with Alzheimer’s disease, or other forms of dementia, reach their highest level of wellness. Find a community that’s close to you or give us a call at 844-465-6063 to talk to one of our friendly staff members today.

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